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Chatting in bed has always been much easier than stiffly conversing over a cup of coffee," says Andrea, a year-old Melbourne woman who is revelling in such pleasures after a long sexual hibernation after becoming a widow. As long as I am up front with myself and my partners, I reckon I can do what feels good and have a ball. No more fears of pregnancy, no more of those crazy messages like 'He'll think you're a slut' or 'He'll think you are too easy'. What a load of rubbish all that was. When one of my older female clients contacts me with glad tidings — she's met a lovely man and giving up dating to enjoy their new relationship — often she gets back in touch some months later to say they are struggling with an erection problem.
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That's hardly surprising — with men in their 50s one man in two has some erectile dysfunction. By the 60s the numbers hit 60 per cent, 70 per cent for year-olds. These are big numbers which means that lovemaking in this age group can often be a very bumpy road. Making matters worse is men often don't want to talk about the problem. I've had a number of clients who have gone out for long periods with men who never touched them. A man may have good reason to take things slowly — an older father who still has youngish children may be just taking care not to get too quickly involved, given the high stakes for his family.
There are also older men who just aren't very interested in sex or who believe in waiting until the right person comes along — all sort of possible reasons why a man might not want to rush into a sexual relationship.
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But the erection issue looms large for many who prefer to avoid sex altogether than risk having sex and failing. The good thing is there are now very effective treatments available to help a man in this situation but it isn't so easy for a woman to negotiate this with her new lover. That was never the issue. He was the most generous and skilled lover and you don't need an erection for giving pleasure. But I hated the fact he was feeling a failure and wanted to help him find a solution so he didn't beat himself up over the issue," commented one woman I helped through this difficult phase in their new relationship.
So while some older online daters are enjoying all sorts of erotic adventures, many prefer to take it slow. The RSVP Nielsen research shows online dating is doing a good job helping these over 50s singles connect — 53 per cent report it's led to a short-term relationship or new friendship whilst 12 per cent end up married or in long-term relationships. When to hop into bed The research showed roughly a third of singles over 50 have slept with someone they met online. A similar proportion typically have sex on the third date but another third wait for five to 10 dates or longer.
Eleven per cent have sex on the first date. When couples take it slowly often it is the women putting on the breaks. George mentions a number of dates who refused a goodnight kiss even after the fourth or fifth date. Another man reports he has had women pronounce that sex was not on the agenda. It's baffling for men meeting so many women who just want to be friends. With research showing large numbers of older women with low sex drive it's hardly surprising that men encountered many women who are only seeking companionship. But divorced men emerging from often sexless marriages are rightly wary. Women can be equally confused, as this Sydney woman 59 explains: I can't do one night stands because I'm only interested in sex if there is chemistry and if there's that spark it means I will want to see them again.
Sometimes men seem to want you to be prim and proper and so if you have flirted they think that all you want is sex. And then there are men who are all over you like a rash, sucking your tonsils on your very first kiss.